Grief

Understanding Grief

“Grief is like the ocean; It comes in waves; ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”           

- Vicki Harrison

Grief is the natural response you have after experiencing a major change in your life. Many think that grief only occurs when a person or pet dies, but grief can also be caused by things like:

  • Suffering from a serious or chronic illness
  • Changes in relationships, like losing a friend or romantic breakup
  • Losing your home or belongings
  • Changes or losses in your community
  • Losing or changing your job
  • Experiencing mobility issues
  • Anticipating a loss or change

How Grief Affects You

Grief impacts your whole being and can change over time. You might not realize you’re experiencing grief, but there are signs to look out for.
Initial Effects
  • Your body - You may notice changes in the way you eat or sleep, fatigue, or feel other physical ailments getting worse.
  • Your feelings - It is common to feel numb, or you might have feelings of shock, guilt, disbelief, anger, confusion, and a deep sense of sadness.
  • Your thoughts - You may have trouble concentrating, focusing all of your thinking on the loss, or find yourself questioning “what if?”
  • Your mind - You might be afraid of the unknown caused by your loss or be afraid that you may experience another loss.
  • Your behaviors - You may pour yourself into work or tasks or withdraw from things you once enjoyed.
Ongoing Effects
  • Your body - You can experience different health issues because of the prolonged stress from grieving.
  • Your feelings - You may experience ongoing sadness, anger, anxiety, or feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.
  • Your thoughts - You might find yourself questioning your belief system, idealizing or dwelling on the past, or imagining ways you could have changed things.
  • Your mind - Grief can lead to lower self-esteem and feelings of self-blame or survivor’s guilt.
  • Your behaviors - You may notice changes like becoming withdrawn or isolating from others, acting aggressively, or experiencing increased self-doubt.
Five Stages of Grief

These stages describe what happens in our mind when we experience a loss:

  • Denial - Difficulty believing the loss
  • Anger - Feeling upset at yourself, others, or the person or thing you have lost.
  • Bargaining - Making deals with ourselves, God (if you are religious), or asking “what if” questions 
  • Depression - Intense feelings of sadness and longing
  • Acceptance - A sense of understanding and finding the pain has eased.

While this concept can help you label what you’re feeling, there’s more to keep in mind.

  • Grief is not a checklist - You may not go through every stage as you grieve.
  • There is no set order - You may move back and forth between stages or feel like you are in more than one stage at the same time. That’s okay.
  • Culture shapes your journey - The stages of grief may be displayed differently across various cultures. Being aware of these differences could help you or someone else process grief in a way that feels comfortable and right for you.
  • Your path is your own - There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Just because your experience may be different than someone else’s does not mean there is anything wrong with you.

Tips for Coping with Grief

There is no timeline for grief, although many of us wish the pain could go away faster. There are, however, ways to cope when it feels overwhelming.

  • Take care of your physical health - It is much harder to handle heavy emotions when your body is tired. Keep healthy snacks where you can see them, so you don’t forget to eat. Make sure to stay hydrated and prioritize getting enough sleep. Staying active with light exercise like a short walk can also help you release emotional energy.
  • Be kind to yourself and let go of expectations - Understand that your feelings may change from day to day. It’s okay to feel a mix of sadness, anger, shock, or even relief.
  • Keep things simple and manageable - The first few weeks or months of grief can be exhausting and make you feel forgetful. Avoid setting big goals for yourself or making significant life changes right now. Try writing things down to help you remember important tasks or ask others to help you with daily chores.
  • Stay connected - Grief can feel very lonely, but reaching out to a friend, family member, or a support group can help. Connecting with people who have experienced similar things can be helpful, as they can relate to what you’re going through. 
  • Plan for hard days - It helps to plan for dates that might be extra difficult, such as birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries. Having a plan for support on those days can help you feel more prepared.
  • Find small ways to honor your loss - You may find comfort in creating a simple ritual, like cooking a favorite meal or looking through old photos. You can even try creating something to help remember, like art or music.
  • Use calming strategies - There are many ways to help you stay grounded when things feel overwhelming. Many find journaling or breathing practices to be especially helpful during times of grief.

Tips for Helping Others Experiencing Grief

If you know someone who is grieving, reach out to talk. You don’t need any special training, knowledge, or skills. Just being there can help them feel supported and seen.
Reach out right away

Don’t worry about having the perfect words or being nervous. Simply acknowledge the loss and express that you’re willing to listen. 

Offer to do a specific task

Instead of asking them to let you know if they need help, tell them exactly what you can do. You could offer to mow the lawn, deliver groceries, cook a meal, or help with daily chores. People who are grieving often forget to take care of their basic needs.

Focus on their journey, not your own

Avoid comparing their loss to your own experiences. Let the person navigate their grief in their own way without trying to take away their pain or minimize their feelings. Ask about the practices within their culture, family, and community as they may be different than yours.

Avoid judging their reactions

Everyone grieves differently, and there is no right or wrong way to cope. If they’ve lost a loved one, avoid making statements like “they are in a better place” or that you know exactly how they feel.

Respect their timeline and stay connected

Grief is not a straight line, and people often cycle through different stages of emotion. Do not rush the process or tell them it is time to move on, as everyone heals at their own pace. Make sure to stay in touch over time so they stay supported.

Conversation starters

If the person wants to talk, you can help them remember who or what they lost by asking about:

  • Moments or events that were very meaningful to them.
  • The tough times they worked through.
  • The positive impact that person, role, place or experience had on them.
  • The parts of themselves that changed because of that experience or knowing that person.
  • Some of the favorite activities or things they loved about who or what they lost.

When to Connect to Help

“Loss, like love, leaves its own kind of echo. A space where something used to be.” 

-Chigozie Obioma

Remember that you don't have to go through this alone. Support is always available, and you can start by reaching out to someone you can trust.

These tips can help, but everyone’s timeline is different. While you may still feel waves of grief, many people come to a point where the intense feelings of loss lessen and they find a way to live with the loss. 

If your feelings become overwhelming or you feel a deep sense of hopelessness, reach out to a professional. Tele-therapy options allow you to process your emotions from the comfort of your own home. You can also look to connect with others who truly understand your experience.

There are times when we need more support to be well. In those times it is important to reach out. Help is at your fingertips. Call, text, or chat 988 for emotional support and crisis services.